When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep