Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol