Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.