When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I can fix him.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS