Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien