Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

feetloaf

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me