Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Customer is always right

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem