When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
それは草
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast