When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Mouse
🙂🙃🥹
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
