When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
