When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

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My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]


Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name


I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.


[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.


My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.


hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING


“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”


I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?


therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see