When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
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Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
◾️
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Attacked by a mop.
