Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

parents: you are what you eat
kids: