Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers