When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
The first matador
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.