When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple