When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?