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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
long lost
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Merica.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
good morning
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.