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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
This headline is a thing of beauty
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself