Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.