Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.