When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween