When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Lmao the reply
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.