When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
That’s what I call a flat tire
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.