Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.