When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
It do be feeling this way.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life