When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.