When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Butt weight. There’s more!
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A horror movie but it鈥檚 just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!馃槀馃槀馃槀
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don鈥檛 like whisky.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
When my first baby was born, we didn鈥檛 have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I鈥檝e forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I鈥檝e never known such misery
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that鈥檚 a lot more accurate.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don鈥檛 know what you want, either.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?