When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.