When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Ladies, why y’all do this?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Spider-cat: No One Home
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
trivia
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂