When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
They also CAN sing✌️
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?