When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
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Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
When your man makes a valid point
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Monday Lisa
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
thanksgiving should be called feaster