When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job