When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Good point.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The internet is magic sometimes.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.