Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

The government even made aliens boring

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

whenever i wake up before my alarm

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer