[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
every. time.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”