Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

Shortcut

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Finally

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.