Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years