When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
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Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
pizza
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I just love that new Pope smell.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.