When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 馃槶
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don鈥檛 try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that鈥檚 what my wife calls me
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call聽the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
It was 80s day at my 8yo鈥檚 school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don鈥檛 know how to get me to open up half the time
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I鈥檓 a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 drunk but I鈥檓 having trouble working out if you鈥檙e quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now