When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
you stereotypes are all alike
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!