Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Hell yeah 👍

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley