When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?