Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

S/o to @funTweeters .

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”