Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.