When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
You Might Also Like
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…