Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

For the ones in the back.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

New favorite tiktok