Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

When I snag the last meatball.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink