Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

in the ocean

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files