When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
tag yourself
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.