Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices