When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Saturday
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane