When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
You Might Also Like
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101