[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
🙄😏😂🤣
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
SCARY COSTUME
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”