When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”