When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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Expectations vs. Reality
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
How can I say no to this ?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.