When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.