When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Smile they said.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
How did we not see this back then?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Shower sex be like:
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter