When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom