When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
your daddy is a what now?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
my first day as a raccoon
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.