When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.