When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Very problematic
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.