Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full