When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.