When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
You Might Also Like
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
First I was a pebble..
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
You might just have to resign…
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.