Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.