Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.