when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.