When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”