Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.