When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.