When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
How to draw a duck
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids